I Can’t Do That, I’m Afraid

Something that never took off — never became a catchphrase or entered the popular consciousness — but definitely should have:

It’s when Neil on The Inbetweeners says “I can’t do that I’m afraid” when asked to stop doing something irritating or appalling.

I haven’t been watching The Inbetweeners. I just remembered it. Because it’s good.

Itchy-Scratchy

I’ve been feeling a bit itchy-scratchy lately and struggling to relax.

It’s partly because of having too much to do — the ideas and the burden still moving around in my mind when I’m trying to relax — and partly because of an eczema flare that’s been going on for over a year.

Thankfully, there’s light at the end both tunnels. In the eczema department, I’ve been getting phototherapy. This involves reporting to hospital three times a week to stand in a sunbed-like tube and being blasted with UV light for about a minute.

It’s the sort of thing that seems destined to make me a superhero or give me cancer, but I’ll settle for unitchy, unscabby, elastic, unreddened, non-flayed, unsore skin. I only have five sessions left, so this standing appointment can soon be scratched (as it were) from my bloated schedule.

In terms of being too busy (a shameful state for a proud idler), the end of October sees the end of multiple projects. Then I’ll be travelling for a month or two: Utrecht, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Zagreb, Belgrade, Athens, Montreal. This is a genuine attempt to get away from it all and I’m looking forward to it. I like being out in the world with nothing to do. I’ll be with Johnston for the European cities and Samara for the Canadian one. Escaaaaape!

Until then, I’ve been resorting to my favourite ’90s telly comedy to relax: deep dives into Adam & Joe, Red Dwarf, and Lee & Herring. This is something I usually try to avoid — to consume new stuff, new culture, instead of falling back on old favourites — but I’m embarrassingly tired and, as I said, struggling to wind down. The comfort provided by Pliny and Histor and a cavernous old JMC ship seems to do the trick.

Oddly, none of these deep dives has involved actually watching full episodes of these shows. Maybe this a twenty-first century phenomenon. For Adam & Joe, I’ve been watching clips (“when I go and see Villa / my view is blocked by a concrete pillar”) and reading this (“eight quid forty-five for half an hour of stupid craaap”). For Lee & Herring… actually, for them I have been watching full episodes albeit supported by a forum watch-along.

For Red Dwarf I’ve been reading and listening to small chunks of the first two novels (did anyone remember that the toaster kills the polymorph in the book version – I had forgotten this) and watching video essays like this one on YouTube. I also watched the Bodysnatcher stuff for the first time, which really tipped me over the edge. I hope Rob Grant manages to give his new book and TV series (if they ever happen) the quiet desolation I crave. No more wacky “Doug Dwarf” boner hijinks please, Rob.

With Samara’s help (well, she basically did all of it), I’ve also made this Red Dwarf-inspired jacket, which is a sure sign of crisis. What am I, some sort of “fan”? Urgh.

The website we bought the patches from has plenty of user reviews from young people saying they bought these patches “for father’s day.” I am old.

It’s not supposed to be screen accurate and it’s not for cosplay. It’s just a Listerish look to delight the other old men in the pub. On the show, his khaki jacket is normally worn over the shirt that has these patches. I still might get one of those London Jets tee-shirts though. We’ll see how long this crisis goes on for.

I wore the jacket to our Edinburgh WIP screening of Melt It! and you can see it in this pic, albeit before the shoulder patch went on:

You know what my jacket is? It’s not fandom. It’s historic re-enactment. I’ve been described as a comedy historian a couple of times recently (by Stewart Lee and Oliver Double no less) and I have at least written some books (and now a film) in comedy history so that’s fine by me. Professional nerdery is a thing now.

Do You Have a Mantra?

Ben Moor is a lovely, talented, warm-hearted person. Don’t take my word for it. He’s famously this.

A few days before my first proper show in 15 years, I asked Ben by email if he had any tips. He wrote back:

Breathe deeply before going on – do you have a mantra? – mine is borrowed from [American football coach] Marv Levy who used to say to his players “Where else would you rather be, than right here, right now.” It’s the last thing I say to myself before going on stage and it settles me nicely.

Also, if you think you’re talking too slowly, you’re probably talking at the right pace.

Have fun out there!

Love and peace,

Ben x

Heckling for Fun and Profit

Dembina: So I was walking down the road, as the comedians say…

Me: Which road?

Dembina: The Holloway Road. It joins up with the A1.

Me: Glad I asked.

Dembina: Good heckle.

*

Dembina: What’s it called? Jewish Playboy?

Me: Playmensch.

Dembina: Nah, not…

Me: Playgoy?

Dembina: That’s it. You can have 50p for that one, not a pound.

*

The spirit of the Tunnel Club is alive in Edinburgh.